Marriage Encounter: Love is a decision you make every day

Intermountain Catholic

+ Enlarge

Kevin and Barbara Acker are the coordinators of Marriage Encounter Weekend in Utah. They attended the encounter for the first time 1986 and again in 1995. When they moved from Idaho to Utah, they discovered the encounter was not available for the English-speaking community since 2002 and decided to bring it back. The first encounter in Utah since then took place in March 2009. IC photo by Priscilla Cabral

SYRACUSE — Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1Co 13: 4-7).

Love is also a decision to be made every day, said Barbara Acker, who coordinates the Worldwide Marriage Encounter in Utah with her husband, Kevin.

The Ackers lived the Marriage Encounter weekend for the first time in 1986 in Boise, Idaho, where they are from. Kevin said he took the initiative to register for the encounter because he felt he was drifting apart from his wife.

"I was racing cars and spending a lot of time at work, while she was in school," he said.

The encounter changed their marriage and has been part of their lives ever since. Therefore, when the Ackers moved to Utah and found out there had not been a Marriage Encounter for the English-speaking community since 2002, they decided to bring it back.

"The Marriage Encounter is a weekend experience for married couples, meant to develop closeness through improved communication," said Barbara.

The only prerequisite for the encounter is for a couple to be married and have experienced disillusion, one of the three stages of marriage. The first stage of marriage is called romance. During this stage, the couple is still experiencing high levels of passion and physical attraction and has not dealt with any type of crisis. The second stage of marriage, disillusion, is characterized by significant issues that force the couple to make sacrifices, and to reflect on and modify their expectations.

"A significant issue can be going through unemployment, the birth of children, or an illness – anything that might be a challenge," said Barbara.

After experiencing disillusion, a marriage may transition to the next stage, which is joy.

"Joy happens when they have been successful. They have broken through disillusion and their love grows because of it. They are focused and connected; and they have a much stronger love than in the romance stage. Of course, there will be some romance, and some disillusion; and they’ll work through joy again," said Barabara.

Although the weekend is Catholic in orientation, it is open to all. Kevin said couples who are Jewish, Latter-day Saint, and Lutheran, have lived the encounter in Utah.

Three couples and a priest make presentations on themes such as listening, dialogue, God’s desire for marriage, encounter with self, and marriage as a sacrament.

During the encounter, couples learn that marriage is their vocation and that "marriage before God is a covenant, not a contract. You have to be committed not 50, but 100 percent," said Barbara.

"Sometimes people see it’s easier to give up and not work at it. They focus on instant gratification," said Kevin.

For those who are willing to work things out, the encounter encourages them to reevaluate their relationship.

"They have to see what they’ll be willing to change for the sake of their relationship… talk about what their goals are, ask themselves if they’re meeting them, and decide on what they need to change to meet their goals," said Barbara.

People who are married must be willing to confront their spouses as well, said Kevin.

"I have to let her know how I feel and not just ignore it and let it grow into something that will blow up," he said.

The purpose of the encounter is to improve communication and grow intimacy in marriages, not solve problems, said Barbara. This is why the encounter emphasizes the importance of having a dialogue or sharing feelings either through talking or writing.

Writing gives each person the opportunity to communicate their feelings without interruptions or feedback that might end their willingness to share something – for example, rolling of the eyes or other gesticulations, said Barbara.

A marriage requires constant work; and the encounter offers constant support through sharing groups or circles in the Ogden and Sandy areas. The Ackers hope to start a circle in Park City soon.

"Many think this is a great weekend scheme. But the best relationships will continue on with follow-ups and support from the group. It is nice to know other couples who share the same faith and values, especially the younger couples, who live and grow from the experience of others," said Kevin.

Circles are an opportunity to share and socialize, said Barbara. "And they reinforce the concepts of the weekend."

Those couples who have already lived the encounter are encouraged to do it again as a means to refresh what they had learned.

"The outline doesn’t change often but it has changed. It changed in 1999 and some talks were changed in 2005," said Kevin.

"The different presenters bring their own stories," said Barbara.

"And the couples might be in a different place than they were last time they lived it. They can get something different," said Kevin.

Both Barbara and Kevin said they enjoy working together in a ministry that has made a difference in thousands of marriages, including their own.

"We can visually see the difference in the couples. Some start the weekend with a lot of distance between their chairs and not smiling. Then throughout the weekend, we can see they have reconnected; they’re sitting closer to each other and they are more in tune with each other," said Kevin.

The most satisfactory aspect of working for Marriage Encounter is knowing that the weekend is changing the lives of people from around the globe and attainting social justice.

"In an international convention, a priest shared that Marriage Encounter is causing a cultural revolution in the Solomon Islands," said Kevin. "Folk will get their canoes to go to the weekend. This is a place where women are thought to be less; but after the weekend, couples develop a better understanding of each other and come out as equals, almost. We are causing a change in the world," he said.

"This is why is so rewarding. We say we are changing the world and renewing the Church one couple at a time. This is really true. This is what we’re doing," said Barbara.

The Marriage Encounter is also designed to provide encouragement to priests and religious by giving them an opportunity to reflect on their experience in their ministry. The encounter gives them a better understanding of the sacrament of marriage, allowing them to better counsel their parishioners.

The next Marriage Encounter Weekend will be Oct. 16 – 18. Space is still available but filling up quickly. For more information call Kevin and Barbara Acker at (801) 776-4332 or visit www.utahme.org.