Stepfamilies learn about their challenges, strengths
WENDOVER — It’s not easy to be a parent. "Since the moment one becomes a parent, one has the responsibility, the obligation to educate a child, to train him or her, so he or she can become a good and wholesome person," said Father German Umaña, pastor of San Felipe Parish in Wendover. Among Hispanics there is a saying that goes something like this: "Parent is not who procreates, but who brings up the child." This is exactly the way Alberto Marín feels about his stepson, Christian, 16. "My boy is just like my other children," he said. At the same time, though, Marín knows that stepfamilies face unique challenges. In fact, the rate of divorce for remarried couples is higher than for first-time marriages. Among the most difficult challenges for stepfamilies is the children’s education, said Rosa Martínez, manager of the Wendover project of Centro de la Familia de Utah, a non-profit organization dedicated to empower Hispanics. The Smart Steps curriculum was especially created to strengthen stepfamilies, which according to some experts, will be the United States’ most common family form in 2010, and was offered by Centro at San Felipe Parish. Fr. Umaña said that he was glad to hear about Centro’s project because the majority of Wendover’s community works for casinos. He has noticed the work is demanding and that it affects family relationships. "The children don’t feel like they have their parents’ attention and often turn to their friends who offer them drugs and alcohol," he said. Additionally, Wendover’s community is secluded, far away from any resources or help, said Fr. Umaña. Therefore, Marín did not hesitate to register his family for the rare opportunity to learn how to improve their relationship. "You can never stop learning. I learn from others. I learn from their and my mistakes," he said. The first thing Marín learned was that good communication with his wife was crucial if he wanted to have a satisfying family life. "We motivate the couple to always show kindness toward one another, to write each other notes, to not keep information from each other, and to be clear," said Martínez. The curriculum also addressed the different myths that exist about stepfamilies. For example, many children believe stepmothers are malevolent. This is a myth easy to refute, but there are others that are not so. Some blend their families hoping they will integrate quickly. The truth is that the integration process takes about four years or even more if there are teenagers involved. "Children ages 9 to 16 years generally have more difficulty accepting the situation because there is jealousy and many of them are still loyal to their other parent," said Martínez. The curriculum also allows the couples to explore different ways to do their finances to avoid conflict. "We tell them they can have separate accounts or one for both of them, or they can create a savings account for both their use. We don’t tell them what to do. We tell them that any method can work. Our job is to give them examples on how to do it," said Martínez. Legal issues are addressed in the curriculum as well. "If he or she has not adopted the child, the stepparent cannot take the child out of school without the biological parent’s permission. Also, the biological parent who has the child more frequently is the one who should claim the child on his or her taxes; it is not something you arrange and say, ‘I do it this year and you the next,’" said Martínez, who added that the majority of those who took the class did not know many of the legal issues concerning the custody of a child. Another very important aspect for stepfamilies, for the sake of the children’s psychological and emotional wellbeing, is for parents to have cordial communication with their former spouses. "They must avoid speaking ill of the other parent and not use the child as a means of communication. Parents should be able to communicate as adults and touch subjects with maturity," said Martínez. Another recommendation from the curriculum was that the biological parent should be who disciplines the child. "The couple should reach an agreement on which measures they should take. Then, the biological parent should discipline the child; otherwise, the child will become defensive and resentful toward the stepparent, and will want to leave the house," said Martínez. The curriculum consisted of six sessions in which couples and their children or stepchildren participated. While the couples took a class, the children took another similar class. At the end of their classes, both groups came together and participated in an activity that highlighted the day’s lecture. "We focus a lot on empathy because we want the children to understand their parents," said Martínez. One of the activities in which the families participated asked them to step on a pair of footprints that represented different members of the family. Once the participant put himself or herself on the other family member’s shoes, he or she was asked about a particular situation or problem. "How many times do we judge and criticize without putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes?" said Martínez. "The most important thing, what we need the most is love. Love is the base for a good development. If there is no love, the child grows insecure, with a high probability of being a failure," she said. For more information on the different programs Centro de la Familia offers in Wendover, Mount Pleasant, Providence, Honeyville, Genola, and Salt Lake City call 801-521-4473.
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