Children new to school often are 'slow to warm'

SALT LAKE CITY – I love the office of Dr. Douglas Goldsmith, executive director and chief psychologist at The Children’s Center. The Center is a facility nestled between Primary Children’s Hospital and the Jewish Community Center. Dr. Goldsmith’s office is a panoply of children’s toys, scribbled crayon drawings, photographs of children, books, and in one corner a huge box of stuffed animals and puppets. In this office, healing takes place – the healing of broken families and children.

The children Dr. Goldsmith sees in his office who are just starting school in 2007, "are more socially competent than children just 10 years ago," he said. "These children have already had a couple of years of day care behind them, and they’re geared to jump in and manage new experiences without being intimidated. Most of them are easy-going and even tempered."

Those children new to elementary schools who appear withdrawn or intimidated by the new experience are not shy, Dr. Goldsmith said. "We call them instead slow-to-warm. They may come across as a little anxious. They want to do well, but fitting in might not be easy for them."

Parents of children who are slow to warm to new classmates or the school experience may need to give them a little more attention, Dr. Goldsmith said. He encourages all parents to problem solve and involve the children in the process.

"One thing parents should try to avoid is comparing their new student to his or her older sibling who might have adjusted to school easily. Parents need to say, ‘John is not like Sam.’"

Children who are slow to warm, he said, often need a little more assurance from parents that they are going to be able to handle school and handle it well.

"Parents need to communicate with these children and keep communicating with them," Dr. Goldsmith said. "Parents need to say things like, ‘I know it’s hard and it’s okay to feel like this is hard. Things will get better, though,"

One thing that might help parents and their hard to warm children is helping them remember other situations they’ve experienced that felt difficult at first, then got easier, said Dr. Goldsmith.

Early child care programs that encourage parents to leave their new students in the classroom even if their anxiety brings them to tears don’t do justice to children and short-change their need to be dependent on their parents, he said.

"Children at this age need to be dependent on their parents," said Dr. Goldsmith. They’re young and dependency isn’t a problem at that age. Parents should be encouraged to tell their children they will stand in the back of the classroom and they won’t leave until their child is ready for them to leave. When the separation is handled this way, often it is the child who tells the parent when it’s time for them to leave. It gives the child some control over the situation, and that’s important.

"Unfortunately, some teachers don’t want parents there, but these children still have emotional issues, and we sometimes don’t have much sympathy. That’s sad."

Dr. Goldsmith has directed the Children’s Center for 25 years. The facility sees about 142 children a day, all of whom have troubling and real problems. He said he and his staff begin slowly with new child clients, working to gain their trust. Their work is made easier when parents support them in their work. He said parents should give the same support to teachers.

"Collaboration between teachers and parents eases the separation between parent and child," he said. "Parents need to explain to their children their responsibility to listen to the teacher and cooperate.

"When teachers send books home for children to read, it does the teacher a disservice if a parent says, ‘This is a stupid book. You don’t have to read this.’ Instead, parents should be backing the teacher up, and they should encourage teachers to give them feedback."

Dr. Goldsmith said there are children who continue to have difficulties becoming accustomed to school and its routine.

"There are children who are chronic grumblers," he said, "and parents need to keep an eye on children who complain of headaches and stomach aches and often ask if they can stay home from school. Again, communication and problem solving is key here. Parents should talk to their children about balance.

If they only hear about the bad things at school, they need to encourage the child to tell them about something good that happened in school. On the other hand, if they only hear about the good things, every now and then they should say, ‘Tell me about the hard things that happen at school.’ Asking the right questions will get the parents information they need to know to help their child make healthy adjustments to the school routine."

Again, problem solving is key, and Dr. Goldsmith encourages parents to stick with it and not run away from the problem, reminding them their children need a lot of support."

The homework problem, he said, can be huge. "Parents need to be firm and support the school. They need to tell their children their homework is not their (the parents’) problem. But homework even presents me with a quandary. Students who come home with several hours of homework every night will find that homework slopping over into family time.

"Most of us work a 40-hour week," he said. "Students shouldn’t be expected to work that many hours to keep up in school. When they’ve put in a long day at school they should be able to come home and relax. They need leisure time, too. And they need time to play."

Dr. Goldsmith also cautions parents about letting a child’s extra curricular activities mount up to the point that the child becomes over-extended.

"If a child spends 30 hours a week in school, one hour a week in church, three hours a week practicing piano, and 20 or more hours a week participating in one or more sports, those hours add up. If a child is working and practicing and participating in sports for 60 to 70 hours, it’s too much. We need to be sensitive. Children will tell us when they’re doing too much. They’ll start complaining of headaches and stomach aches, they’ll get more colds, and they’ll complain of fatigue.

"Children need to get eight hours of sleep every night," he said. "It’s not a good thing to walk into a classroom and find an exhausted group of pre-schoolers, or fourth-graders who can’t stay awake in class."

Teenagers, Dr. Goldsmith said, are wired to stay up later and sleep later.

"If it were my decision, I would schedule high schools from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. The students would do better. Teens’ bodies don’t do well at 5 a.m."

In addition to collaborating with teachers, keeping the communications going between parents and children, asking the right questions, and problem solving, Dr. Goldsmith encourages parents to stay on top of the school work that needs to be done.

"Parents can’t expect the school to do everything, and the school can’t see all the students’ needs. A school is not a mental health center. If the child continues to have problems, the child may need professional help. Those signals may include bullying or being bullied or problems navigating the playground – tattling is a child saying, ‘I need help with this.’– Of course, not all children like to play. Some are perfectly happy to sit in a corner with a good book. Physical education classes are for exercise. Recess is for relaxation.

The Children’s Center is looking forward to moving to new and larger digs – a move that comes with a huge price tag, Dr. Goldsmith said, but one that is crucial. By this time next year the Center will relocate to the old Oquirrh School at 350 South 400 East. "After the building has been renovated, it will double our treatment space and allow us to expand our programs to include treatment of autism and other childhood conditions. We’re very excited about it.

"Even more important is relocating the Children’s Center there, close to the YWCA shelter, means nearly a square block in the center of the city will be devoted to providing services to women and children. That will be a good thing."