Providing advice and 'talking couples off the ledge'

SALT LAKE CITY – When couples in the Diocese of Salt Lake City begin preparing for their weddings, many of them seek the help and advice of the Diocesan Office of Family Life. Director Veola Burchett refers to her job as one-half helping couples fill out paperwork and priests and deacons process pre-marriage inventories, and one-half "talking couples off the ledge."

"I’ve been doing this work for a lot of years, and I haven’t lost a couple yet," Burchett said. With a laugh. "It’s a high-pressure part of life for these couples, and sometimes they don’t really understand what the church expect of them and why."

Burchett helps couples and their families navigate what to couples, many of whom have been away from the Catholic Church for some time, are requirements they don’t understand. I try to de-code it for them."

"There is plenty of advice out there to help couples plan their wedding day, but not many people prepare couples for marriage," said Burchett.

The Diocese of Salt Lake City asks couples to fill out a pre-marriage FOCCUS (Facilitate Open Couple Communication, Understanding, and Study) inventory, take a class in Natural Family Planning (the only method of family planning approved by the Catholic Church), and participate in an Engaged Encounter weekend, a three-day series of workshops about issues facing married couples and what the Catholic Church teaches about them.

"We advise couples who are planning their wedding to make telling their pastor the second thing they do, after they tell their parents," Burchett said. "They need from four to six months to fulfill these requirements. It isn’t something that can or should be done in a rush."

About 400 couples get married in the Diocese of Salt Lake City every year, said Burchett, and the reality is that for many of them, the Sacrament of Marriage calls them back to the church.

"Marriage is a good reason to return," she said, "any sacramental grace is a good reason to return. If the couple is hoping to get married in the Cathedral of the Madeleine, it could take as long as a year to schedule because their dates are limited."

Most parishes have packets containing instructions for everything required, with all the necessary forms and checklists they give to couples anticipating marriage.

"But there are often those little human foibles we have to deal with, like couples who never thought going through the packet was that important, or those who simply don’t understand why all of the questions are any of the church’s business. But the church and the parishes want to do everything they can to help people succeed in their marriage."

Burchett said she proceeds with the couples according to her maxim: "We were there, too." So it is with patience and understanding that she gently walks couples through the process, answering questions, explaining why baptismal certificates are needed, and comforting couples who find themselves a bit intimidated by all they find expected of them.

"Some people are just naturally intimidated by it all," she said. "The church wants everyone to enter into their marriages with informed consciences, so we talk to them about ‘Humanae Vitae,’ and we enter into dialogue with them about pro-life issues, family issues, financial issues, stewardship, and parenting. The fewer questions they’re left with, the better."

The Diocesan Office of Family Life is planning a marriage enrichment evening, to take place in February 2007. It will offer married couples an opportunity to "tune up" their marriages, said Burchett. She also recommends couples subscribe to Foundation Magazine, a periodical for newlyweds, and that they participate in any parish programs designed to enhance their marriages.

"I would love to see a program designed to bring newlyweds together," she said. "It would be good for couples to get to know other newlyweds. It’s hard in this diocese because our newlywed population is so transient. They move in and out of the diocese as they go from college or university into the workforce, and as careers require moves. In the Ogden area we have Hill Air Force Base, where newlywed couples may not even be stationed together."

Burchett worries about the lack of good marriage models available for today’s newlywed couples.

"The couples we are seeing today were parented by a generation that saw a lot of divorce," she said. "I’m talking to couples who have never met people who have been married 30, 40, or 50 years. Even their own parents, in some cases, haven’t been able to model a good, happy, long marriage. It’s sad, and we are challenged to change that trend for our newlyweds."

In addition to pre-marriage instruction, the Diocesan Office of Family Life offers the Gabriel Project, a women-to-woman resource for girls and women who find themselves in crisis pregnancies; Project Rachel referrals, for women and men struggling with past abortions; and two types of bereavement programs, one that trains parish bereavement ministers and another that offers presentations on special topics. The office also will offer a September workshop on end of life issues.

For further information on pre-marital planning and any other of the issues listed above, call the Diocesan Office of Family Life, 328-8641, ext. 324.