'What I wish couples knew' about a Church wedding
SALT LAKE CITY — A church wedding is the dream of many couples, but for Catholics such an event is more than a festive gathering of family and friends to witness them exchanging rings. The Catholic Church teaches that marriage between two baptized people is a sacrament, and their union is a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church.
The Intermountain Catholic asked several ministers involved with marriage preparation what they wished couples knew about getting married in the Church. Their responses follow.
Fr Marco Lopez, pastor of St. Bridget Parish in Milford and its associated missions, is heavily involved with marriage preparation for couples. For him, the most important understanding for couples asking to be married in the Catholic Church is that they are going to be receiving a sacrament, “which means they are going to receive God’s grace in their lives, and that this is what God wants for this couple — this new style of life.”
In today’s world, many people decide to live together without benefit of marriage, he pointed out. “We are living in a society where the sacred is losing meaning,” but he explains to the couple that it is important to receive God’s grace in their lives through the Sacrament of Marriage.
Couples planning to be married in the Church must allot several months for the process, which includes marriage preparation classes. Some who have impediments such as a previous marriage may need a year to complete the paperwork, he said. In addition, they should plan to reserve the church at least six months in advance to ensure it will be available on the day they choose, he said.
For marriage preparation, he recommends Worldwide Marriage Encounter (wwme.org) as a resource because it emphasizes the value of the sacraments of marriage and the priesthood, and helps couples grow as a family and as a church.
Another important aspect of the formation of couples is “to help them to integrate into our community, because this is our opportunity to let the couple know there is a community and that they can participate,” he said. The Church community is “a place to learn more about our faith and a place to grow and … to live our Christian faith with others.”
One way of building this community is to have a married couple act as mentors to the engaged couple, he said, adding that he has found the Witness to Love program (https://witnesstolove.org/) helpful in this regard.
Fr. Lopez suggested that couples who are not married but who have children should consider the example they are setting about the value of the sacrament.
“When the parents receive the sacrament as a family, God blesses them and their life is different,” he said.
Pope John Paul II’s 1999 apostolic exhortation Ecclesia In America notes that “there is urgent need of a broad catechetical effort regarding the Christian ideal of conjugal communion and family life, including a spirituality of fatherhood and motherhood. ... Also required is a serious preparation of young people for marriage, one which clearly presents Catholic teaching on this sacrament at the theological, anthropological and spiritual levels. On a continent like America, characterized by significant population growth, there needs to be a constant increase of pastoral initiatives directed to families.”
Referencing the last two sentences of the above quote, Fr. Lopez said he thinks “we need to do more in this field” because “the fact that they are married is very, very important. If we want to have more priests we need to work more with couples; we need to help them understand that each one of us has a Christian vocation, and that marriage is a Christian vocation and that it is very, very important, and if we have more couples that live this sacrament as God wants, then we will have more priests and more vocations … but everything starts with our families.”
Like Fr. Lopez, Christopher Huntzinger, director of music and liturgy at St. Ambrose Parish, would like couples to understand the sacredness of the wedding ceremony, adding that music is an important element to the church celebration.
“It seems sometimes that people put a lot of time into flowers and the reception and all that wonderful stuff, and it almost feels sometimes like music is a chore, but that’s a big part of the liturgy, so it’s something that should be done early,” he said.
He suggested that couples make an appointment to talk to musicians at the church, because each parish has its own way of doing weddings. The musicians also are aware of what music is appropriate and what is not allowed. He prefers that both the bride and groom meet with him, not just one of them, to explain their musical suggestions.
While some music is not appropriate for the liturgy, where “the music’s sole purpose is to glorify God,” many songs “can be incorporated into a prelude or into a recessional as long as it’s appropriate,” he said. For example, “Instrumental pieces are fine for processions.”
The music is intended to make the day more sacred, he emphasized. “It’s a beautiful day for the couple, but that third person they’re involving is God, and that needs to be recognized in a very ritualistic way, in the liturgy, through the music, in the Mass, through the priest.”
As with all marriage preparation, couples should allot time and thought to the musical element, he said. For example, if they want to hire a professional musician such as a violinist, they should contact the person at least six weeks before the wedding, Huntzinger said.
He suggests that couples plan two meetings with the music minister at the church: the first to discuss what they would like, to plan the liturgy and explore their options, and the second to confirm their plans. Huntzinger said the Diocese of Salt Lake City has a list of approved music for church weddings that “is a great resource” for couples.
He suggests couples plan to print a worship aid for wedding guests, particularly those who are not Catholic, to guide them through the Mass.
Also important, he said, is for couples to realize that their wedding “is a spiritual event. You’re not just planning the religious part of the wedding, there’s a spiritual part. It’s the first steps of working together, praying together, standing in front of the altar and committing to God that ‘we’re going to make this work,’ and every part of planning that liturgy should be something that they both do,” even if one of them is not Catholic, “because if you take ownership, it’s a very powerful event.”
For Crystal Painter, director of the diocesan Office of Marriage & Family Life, some of the more technical aspects of Church marriages are where she sees misunderstandings occur. For example, many people don’t understand that a convalidation of a marriage more than just a blessing, and that couples who already are in a civil marriage still need marriage preparation when they ask to be married in the Church, she said.
Also, “Marriage prep begins with the couple’s local parish, even if they are marrying outside of the diocese,” she said. “The first thing they need to do when they get engaged is contact their parish and make an appointment, preferably six months to a year before the wedding date.”
She also wishes couples understood what Natural Family Planning really is and is not – it’s not the rhythm method, she said – and that couples should learn it before they get married.
NFP is a difficult part of a Catholic marriage, said Laura Mauer, who married her husband Kevin Mauer two years ago.
“Something I wish I had known was how hard practicing NFP would be, not necessarily in terms of restraint but just mentally,” she said, adding that she struggled with it and would have liked to be able to talk with other couples who practiced it to learn how to embrace it.
Kevin Mauer agreed, saying that even though the marriage preparation gives information about NFP, he would have liked more time spent on the societal aspects of it, and to have “a community that is willing to talk about it and accompany young couples through that process,” he said.
The couple, who are parishioners of St. Andrew in Riverton, got married in the Dominican Republic, where Laura Mauer grew up. The difficulties brought on by the required paperwork brought home the fact that “this is something we actually really, really want to do,” she said.
The required marriage preparation gave them the tools “to appreciate the sacrament that we were entering,” Kevin Mauer said, adding that the engaged encounter helped them with practical aspects such as personalities and finances. “It helped us ask each other and ourselves really hard questions that I think are really important.”
Both said they wished there was a network of married Catholics they could join, because “it would be helpful to get the perspectives of people who’ve been doing this for a while,” Kevin Mauer said.
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