You Win Some, You Lose Some

Marie Mischel

Photo 1 of 2

Well, yay! And, bummer.

That’s my emotional reaction to the past couple of weeks, when I learned the results of two contests I entered.

The “yay” is a response to this newspaper winning two awards at this year’s Utah Press Association Better Newspaper Contest (see p. 2). It wasn’t entirely unexpected; we’ve taken home awards fairly frequently in past years. Still, it’s always nice to get validation from peers that the work we do compares favorably with others in the industry. I will confess, however, that I was disappointed that none of our other entries won awards; I thought we had strong entries in the feature writing and news writing categories – not just my work but that of the other reporters on staff as well.

The “bummer” is because a photo I entered in a contest for Thanksgiving Point’s Tulip Festival didn’t win. The theme was “red,” and in my opinion the photo, which accompanies this article, fits the theme perfectly. As a visual artist, I appreciate the way the sunlight plays on the petal. The black anthers add contrast and have the added benefit of revealing that the image is of a tulip.

When I showed the photo to a friend, she commented that it might be “a little too Georgia O’Keeffe” for the contest judges.

The fact that one of my photos was compared to the work of a famous artist is immensely flattering, even if it means I didn’t win the contest. Of course, the similarity to O’Keeffe’s paintings of flowers, which have been criticized as erotic, might not have been the reason my photo didn’t win. With  contests, you rarely know what the judges are looking for or what your competition is, at least until the winners are announced.

Thinking about all this, it occurred to me that I often approach God the same way I do contests: rifling through my work, seeking only the best to present as an offering, then waiting to see if I’m worthy of reward.

The flaws in this approach are obvious and are rebuked by the whole history of our religion, from the Old Testament –  “Sacrifice and offering you do not want, but ears open to obedience you gave me” – to Pope Francis: “The Lord is not looking for perfect Christians;” instead, Jesus wants us “to seek him, to call on him, or even, like Thomas, to protest, bringing him our needs and our unbelief.”

It’s difficult for me to accept that I can’t buy my way into God’s grace even though Scripture assures me that not only is that impossible, but also that God has loved me unconditionally since before I was in my mother’s womb, continues to love me without limit today, and always will do so despite my sins and failings. I want to believe that, but a little voice inside me keeps whispering that if God really knew all my sins and faults and doubts, he’d order me bound hand and foot and thrown into the darkness outside, to wail and grind my teeth.

That whispering voice refuses to be silent despite my best efforts to banish it. Most recently I’ve been trying to counter it by reading the mystics, all of whom say that to have God more fully in my life I must turn from the ways of the world. I understand what they’re saying, but I still haven’t been able to convince myself that God offers no contest;  he already has awarded me his love, and all I need do is claim it.

Marie Mischel is editor of the Intermountain Catholic. Reach her at marie@icatholic.org.