Funeral pre-planning eases loved ones' stress

Intermountain Catholic

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Catholic funerals require special planning that a knowledgeable funeral director can help with. IC file photo

SALT LAKE CITY — Families may often, understandably, feel alone or an unquantifiable hollowness in circumstances surrounding the loss of a family member. This might especially be true in the case of an unforeseen, perhaps violent death of a young person versus an aged person with Ahlzeimer’s disease or the anticipated death of an older family member, which frequently allows for a certain psychological adjustment to the inevitable.

These thoughts came to mind for George Starks and his son, Jason, who experienced the unforeseen death of their son and brother, Michael Starks, 18, who died Nov. 21, 2008 of a college hazing incident. George Starks is the pre-arrangement counselor for Starks Funeral Parlor and Jason Starks is a funeral director.

The Catholic Funeral Rite is designed specifically to share in and ease the tumultuous passage from a physical presence into life everlasting in helping to shoulder the difficult moment of loss and aloneness, George Starks said. "Catholic funeral homes must aptly be considered a rightful extension of our Catholic faith," he said.

"We now live in a society where couples are of mixed faiths, and funeral directors receive the first phone call when a person dies," he said. "It used to be the family priest was the first person called."

As funeral directors, Jason and his wife, Shayneh, convey the Catholic protocol in planning a funeral, vigil and a funeral Mass. They explain what rituals are appropriate at each service – for example, if the family requests that a rosary be recited, that will be done during the vigil. A vigil or viewing the night before a funeral isn’t required, but may be requested.

"We encourage that because we want to convey the message to the family that the sanctity of the funeral Mass is not a time for favorite music to be played or eulogies to be read; instead, that should be done at the vigil or at a wake," said Jason Starks.

Steve Schroeder, funeral director at Neil O’Donnell Mortuary, agreed that they usually receive the first call saying someone has died, and that most priests don’t allow people to memorialize a loved one during a funeral Mass.

Schroeder and Mike O’Donnell, owner, said it is vitally important to work with the priests in planning vigils and funerals. They always confirm plans and itineraries with the priests because their clients are working under duress and might say one thing when they mean another.

To ensure that their last wishes are carried out, "people should pre-plan their funerals from the tangible things like caskets, flowers, and where they want to be buried, to non-tangible things like what readings and songs they want during the Mass and the prayer they want on the back of their prayer cards," said Jason Starks. "Because family members come in after a death, somewhat in shock and not thinking clearly, they often disagree on these decisions. This is unfortunate because it separates the family at a time when they should bond."

Both funeral directors said they encourage family members to be involved in the funeral Mass as lectors and gift bearers.

The funeral directors handle all the cemetery arrangements, the opening and closing of the grave, the purchase of the vault and who will be doing the graveside service such as a priest or deacon.

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